How to be a (much) better and supportive wife – by Zahra Jalalkhan

Let’s make it clear from the very onset I am not a relationship expert but a mere painter whose canvas is oiled in the voice of my words. In this artsy world of complex relationships, understanding who is pulling their weight can be a rather arduous task. “Why can’t you just be more supportive?” – is quipped more often than not. Interestingly, not just married couples are asking each other to be more supportive these days, even those looking at the prospect of marriage are trying to figure out how they can be the best possible spouses for the betterment of their futures. Because most of us suffer from D.T.O. (defensive trait disorder) we tend to take offense rather hastily when our “support” is questioned. We instantly play victim and make our loved ones feel as though they are being petty and that we are already “doing enough”. But, are we? Are we truly being supportive enough? After all, aren’t many broken relationships the consequence of the “little things” that became not so little in the end?

In Japanese culture, we have something called “Ki” (chi in Chinese) which refers to Energy. The power of one’s Ki can allow for extraordinary abilities and sometimes expose your own invulnerability as well. Who we are is after all definitive of our own inner personas which we hope attains symbiosis when combined with that of our spouse. Thus, when the Ki’s of two people are not in sync we tend to acknowledge this as a lack of support. The realm within which the energy of a person exists in turn can be classified into emotional energy, physical energy, spiritual energy and mental energy. The combination of these four energies completes (or dissipates) the supportiveness we so dearly crave for between one other. How then can we ensure our homes are havens of positive energies and not filthy dumpsters of negativity? Would you like to be a more supportive wife and know more about HOW to be one? Then, read on.

Support: Emotional Energy

It is believed that being emotional for a man brings out their weakness, something they hold so dear. On the contrary, it also means that showing no emotion implies heartlessness. As women, we therefore find it extremely gut wrenching to try figure out what our spouses are constantly being so bitter about. The lack of understanding of one’s emotional needs breeds fear and creates distance between partners. In all honestly, when our men are having their mood swings, we avoid them like the plague, as do they us when we are. This avoidance of examining the underlying issue is what builds up into a fully-fledged dissociation with time. It is that drop which trickles in until the sink begins to overflow. Being a supportive wife means, firstly, identifying the problem by encouraging our spouse to share their emotions. It includes not running away even when we are actively being pushed and shoved aside by our husbands. Rather, it involves standing your ground and providing him a safe space to vent. Making your husband understand that his vulnerabilities in your presence will only embolden his inner strengths – is key to connecting with him and offering him an avenue to share. But remember this means taking time out and being patient with the process. He will not open up from the word go and just like your other fussy children who refuse to eat, it will take just as many “Cocomelon” episodes to get your adult child to let out his emotional needs. The silence of your husband, or outburst, means that they have an emotional disconnect which you should aim to plug. Spending time with him and utilizing the most precious gift the good Lord gave us women – our mouths – to simply talk to him, can make a world of difference. Mastering the art of connecting with your husband and enabling him to confide in you will aid in releasing the built-up energy, which in turn will allow you to harness the emotional association he so hesitantly deprives himself of. Being supportive of your man’s emotional needs is the very first step in creating a conducive safe space, not just for him, but for the both of you in the long run.

Support: Physical Energy

From a quote of wisdom – a man who utilizes his physical energy always turns towards the outside thinking that his happiness lies outside of him, only for him to discover that the source of his physical wellbeing is simply within his own being. Our husbands thrive on the understanding that most tasks are so mammoth to achieve that we, women, the flimsical creatures of nature will most certainly be unable to perform them. In a way, we do tend to enjoy the feeling of being looked after, don’t we? After all who amongst us doesn’t want to live like a Queen? But you must be wondering what tasks are these that are so consuming of our men that so much deflates their energy leaving them feeling overburdened? Isn’t it the women who take on most household chores while juggling children and working to make ends meet? Shouldn’t we be the ones whose physical energy is totally exhausted at the end of the day as compared to them? Well – truth be told, while we associate men with being the breadwinners within our homes and pack them a healthy snack as they depart every morning to make the world a better place (psyche!), the burdens left behind begin to seem like they are the greatest ones to carry. Woe and behold, the masculinity of our men is not just in the muscle of their beings, it lies within their perception. See, a man who goes to work and comes home to look after the baby for two hours at most will feel the physical drain of a 24-hour mum. Men perceive their duties beyond those at home as being the most physically challenging of all. Thus, the first thing to do is to make your man understand his physical contribution need not be limited – ‘no human is limited’. It involves not having high expectations of him but at the same time making him enjoy the little else that he does so willingly contribute. By being experts of manipulation, we must make our husbands believe that their physical exhaustion is but a mere perception which can be turned into feelings of fulfillment should they partake in mutual activities around the home – the key here being mutually shared responsibilities. Your husband’s physical wellbeing is important in ensuring his persona remains one of positivity thus creating a physical energy of inclusivity and contribution within one’s household and beyond. Having the right physical energy will by extension also broaden his vision to create new goals, achieve existing dreams and promote each other’s growth. Remember, his optimal energy will naturally flow towards you as well so working towards it is of mutual benefit (and by this I not only refer to the philosophical content written herein but also the actual benefits of his physical zeal, wink wink).

Support: Spiritual Energy

The power of Prayer is second to none. Yet, in times of trouble we are the first ones to abandon our faiths and resort to blasphemous engagements as vengeance upon the Almighty for not meeting our expectations when we needed it the most. The feminine spiritual perseverance is always superior to that of her husbands. She not only continues to be the leading force of hope and guidance when trying times arise but she is also the one who tends to lead her husband and her family back to the light in times of darkness. This supportive role within our relationships needs to be understood with utmost clarity by all women. Let’s put it this way, men tend to have a bone of impatience within their beings. This impatience is juxtaposed with hope and when their patience runs out that hope begins to fade. Because they also tend to believe they are problem solvers on whose shoulders the mightiest of tasks rest, when despair occurs, they are the first ones to falter. Men are creatures who are blameful; they tend to lay blame on every other being for their shortcomings and when they find no person upon whom to lay their frustrations, they turn their disappointment towards higher beings. Wives should always be ready to provide her husband the support of positivity and hope because spiritual energy does not only come from faith and religion, it also comes from within our self. A broken spirit is very hard to mend and we must therefore ensure hope remains the foundation stone of solutions to all tests life will throw at us. Looking at this from a different view point, a man’s spirit can be severely damaged by how his wife behaves towards him in public spaces. Belittling him and quarrelling in the presence of strangers or even in front of other family members is an affront to hurting his ego and crushing his precious reputation. This in turn will dampen his energy and his spirit causing him to retaliate in ways that can end up being less pleasant than envisaged. His spirit can be equated to his dignity as well. Holding him in high regard, praising his successes and always ensuring disagreements are settled away from prying eyes and ears will create a relationship defined by trust, which in turn will ensure your foundation remains steadfast and not easily shaken by unwelcomed interferences.

Support: Mental Energy

The last and most important support a woman can provide her spouse is peace of mind – peace in terms of having an environment in which one’s mental wellbeing is most safeguarded. A man will always find solace in the arms of a woman when he is mentally exhausted and so we must be the providers whom he so desires. We can have a very stable relationship whose emotional needs are satisfactorily catered for; a relationship whose physical correlations are ideal; a relationship whose spiritual wellbeing is fully actualized; but, if there is no peace of mind within your home, all else will automatically crumble. Men unfortunately are rather fragile beings who tend to outwardly show defiance but are wailing inside. Such constraints adversely affect their mental wellbeing causing them to at times ‘change’ from who they used to be. We always turn to saying “that wasn’t the man I married”, many a time the truth behind the culmination of such a conclusion has occurred due to the lack of harmony within our homes. Ensuring we support our husband by offering them a release from their stress and providing them a means to relax and feel loved and appreciated will have a positive effect on their mental structure as it will provide much needed peace no matter the kind of situation that has arisen. Not only do men tend to break, so do women. But we are always stronger and more resilient and it falls upon us to ensure we remain supportive by offering an alternate view to every stressful situation our husbands face, thus allowing them mental space to breathe.

In conclusion, if the Ki within our homes is well rounded and the support from our end ensures the energies of our lives are translated into mutual cooperation, love, happiness and wellbeing, then we will have fulfilled the greater of the needs of attaining a successful relationship. For those of us who are yet to harness one or more of the supportive roles within the respective energies of our relationships, remember it is never too late to start. Your support to your spouse, and by extension sacrifice, will flourish a relationship that will be mutually fulfilling and rewarding to the both of you!

Article written by:

Zahra Jalalkhan

E: zahrajid@gmail.com

FB: Zahra Jalalkhan

IG: @chocobot3